The firsts are the worst they say……perhaps….
I am currently navigating my firsts and for now I still can’t fathom that it gets any better from here. There will always be that gaping hole that my Dad once filled. His absence will always be deafening. And no matter how “happy” I might feel in a moment, it will always be accompanied by a deep sadness. Side by side – ever mingling, forever dancing, coexisting….
Hello Grief, my new friend….
Navigating the festive season while grieving has never been something I thought about before but I guess that comes with the sweet oblivion of never having experienced a loss of this magnitude before. The earth shattering, turn your world upside down kind…. The kind we never imagine happening, that shocks us to our very core…
Death is the single most guaranteed thing to us after birth, yet as human beings, its still one of the hardest things for us to deal with.
Its all just so finite…. The End.
And then, we are left to figure out how to continue, how to move on, how to deal with all those firsts….
So many of us have lost this year… So many of us are grieving… So many of us are going through these firsts together.
I have just gone through my first Diwali without my Dad. I expected that it would be hard and it was. And now, as I contemplate whether or not its time to put up the tree, I realize my lack of lustre is purely related to the underlying grief that surrounds this time of year for me.
December is particularly hard for me, apart from the usual festives….the 11th of December brings what would have been my Dad’s 75th birthday. Another first. My stomach sinks at the very thought….
So instead of wallowing in self pity, which comes pretty easily to me of late, I write this….
I write this in the hope that this could possibly help in some way. I have always found healing in sharing. I write this in the hope that maybe some of you could find healing and even some peace as we navigate this very BIG first for so many of us.
Of course, I see this is a very generalised list of tips/coping mechanisms. I really am no expert. I write from a space of pure experience rather than expertise.
Along this journey, I have also come to realize that grief is so complex and so unique. There are so many factors that come into play. So while some of these might work for you, others may not. I think its most important to really dig deep, listen to yourself and do what feels most right for you.
So here goes….
1. Stop anticipating. The build up is somewhat worse than the actual event. Don’t anticipate how you expect to feel. Don’t anticipate what you think you might want to do. Allow yourself to embrace the emotions as they come rather than anticipate them.
2. Be around people who get it. There is nothing worse than the company of people who don’t understand your grief. Grief is so tricky. Grievers don’t want to constantly mope but they also want to be able to go fluidly from giggles to tears without any awkwardness. Find the people who get that. It is usually people who have shared your grief in some way that truly understand.
3. Honour their memory. Find a way to honour your loved one who has passed. Whether its a placed seat at the lunch table, a burning candle, a song they enjoyed or even continuing a tradition they always loved.
4. Don’t over plan. Grief is unpredictable. Its hard to tell what you might or might not be up to. Find your Christmas Crew that will be flexible and understanding.
5. Spend some moments alone. It can be overwhelming to be around people constantly. If it is, take moments for yourself as a breather. Sometimes, all that it needs to be is a walk by yourself.
6. Stop feeling guilty. If you do want a change of scenery and you are looking forward to your plans for the festive season, don’t feel guilty for it. Its so easy to be sucked into the guilt. “Should I really be laughing?” “How can I laugh without you here?” We all deserve pockets or peace and happiness. We all deserve to laugh and smile. Dont feel guilty for it. Your loved one would never want you to be miserable. They would want you to be happy.
7. Know that it will be hard. Grief is lifelong. It is a journey. There really is no end point. There is no magical cure. We will always love them. We will always miss them and we will always long for them. However, grief is also the truest proof of our love and the impact that someone has had on your life. So accept that, that constant heartache is accompanied by the purest form of love.
8. Lastly and most importantly, always remember just how unique actually grief is. Each of us will grieve so differently. We are all probably in such different stages of our grief as well. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you. Only you walk your journey and only you can truly understand it.
I hope these help even in the smallest way. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, we each have to figure out what works for us.
If you are reading this so you can support someone close to you who is grieving this festive season- its important to acknowledge the heightened sense of loss, especially at this time. Encourage and accept all their feelings, the ebbs and flows of happiness, sadness, anger, disbelief. They all have a way of creeping up. Talk about the loved one they have lost, share memories, stories or details that made them special. When we honour the grief, we honour the love and with that we allow ourselves little pockets of peace.
So on that note, here’s to December….The final piece to what has possibly been one of the most trying years for many of us. Two weeks into 2021, I couldn’t imagine how I would survive this year. But here I am…heartbroken still, yes, but also grateful, hopeful and standing…..
So lets continue to hope, to dream, to visualize, to manifest, a brighter dawn as we close of this chapter and await the next.
Much love,
Reev
The Daily Reev 